| Author | Message | ||
| jennifer vanburen
Valued Member Username: annaswirls Post Number: 107 Registered: 10-2005 |
God, he was sweet, though not the brightest kid in the special class. Greasy bangs half-covered dull eyes, mouth a little open in perpetual confusion. Always the one with lice or urine-scented clothing in elementary school. Teeth with a thick film of white over yellow, he was the reason they extended the dental unit in first grade. His mother's were already brown and half rotten. We saw them at parent conference time. Her purple stretch pants had small hole windows, opened to show pasty flesh waiting for cancer or diabetes to step up and finish the job. She bragged about how he would get into the army make something of himself. But even before report cards freshman year we heard the "name witheld" kid in the Sunday paper was John. Dead huffing some can, oven cleaner I think it was. And Crystal his little sister found me in the hallway a few days later, proud, like she had gotten a new puppy. "Hey, you remember my brother, Johnny? Did you hear he's dead? Yep. That was my brother. It was drugs." Crystal whispered the drug word and shook her head like the old neighbor who told you this would happen but what she was thinking is now that she has a real story for the Just Say No poster contest, she might even have a chance of winning the limo lunch this year like Brooke Peterson whose father was killed by that drunk driver before she was even born. (Message edited by annaswirls on March 08, 2006) (Message edited by annaswirls on March 08, 2006) (Message edited by annaswirls on March 13, 2006) www.mannequinenvy.com | ||
| ~M~
Board Administrator Username: mjm Post Number: 6855 Registered: 11-1998 |
This is hard-hitting, jennifer. We lost three people in my senior class from huffing. They even put their pictures in a special section in the yearbook, labeled in Memorium. You don't expect to see something like that in a high school book -- maybe in a reunion program, but not in a yearbook. It was hard to believe they were not even 18 yet and already dead by their own hands. The little sister in this tale was the most illuminating, of course. She was a great example of how we all take these deaths for granted, or maybe even take advantage of them. Johnny is just another in a multitude. Good story, good details, though I do wonder how it would look formatted as prose. | ||
| Gary Blankenship
Senior Member Username: garyb Post Number: 7063 Registered: 07-2001 |
Indeed a tough, hard read with super end. Here Dead huffing some can, oven cleaner I think it was. And Crystal his little sister found me in the hallway a few days later proud, like she had gotten a new puppy. I do not like the short line, it bumps the read. I would break at me and proud. Smiles. Gary A River Transformed The Dawg House Winter 2006 MindFire | ||
| steve williams
Board Administrator Username: twobyfour Post Number: 330 Registered: 05-2005 |
Hi Jennifer Good story telling in this. as far as the genre, perhaps flash fiction, perhaps a narrative poem. hard to say. regardless, a good write. in L1, i'd put a comma after 'God' and in the final stanza, not sure you need both quotes and italics for 'just say no' you have some punctuation and then go without for awhile. i think its better to be consistant throughout, either use puncuation or not, but sporadic is hard to follow (at least for me). i.e., i'd put a comma in s2, after school and yellow... thx much for the read. s | ||
| J. Bescup
Advanced Member Username: jbescup Post Number: 117 Registered: 09-2003 |
This one kind of chews me up and spits me out. Not that I don't enjoy that from time to time. =) Good to hear your voice around here! more! | ||
| LJ Cohen
Moderator Username: ljc Post Number: 4162 Registered: 07-2002 |
Ouch--a hard hitting piece. Well done, Jennifer. Unflinching, this one. best, ljc Once in a Blue Muse Blog | ||
| Sis
Moderator Username: djclowes Post Number: 269 Registered: 11-1998 |
The slap of reality leaves marks. And a red hand glows in the dark. This is the world folks walk quickly away from hoping it will disapear if they don't look too close. This is why it continues to loom and grow. God grant me the serenity..." Great work! Sis | ||
| jennifer vanburen
Valued Member Username: annaswirls Post Number: 109 Registered: 10-2005 |
thank you thank you for the comments and suggestions-- he was not the first student I lost. Drugs and guns. I will think of putting this into flash/prose... that is a good idea, it is very story like-- ~Jennifer www.mannequinenvy.com | ||
| Lazarus
Advanced Member Username: lazarus Post Number: 1471 Registered: 10-2005 |
(Message edited by lazarus on March 14, 2006) The Age of Nations is past. The task before us now, if we would not perish, is to build the earth. - Teilhard de Chardin | ||
| jennifer vanburen
Valued Member Username: annaswirls Post Number: 110 Registered: 10-2005 |
Hey Lazarus, Very cool! I think it is great when people play around with my poetry, I like to do the same thing. I am glad you decided to put your version up here-- it is always an education to look at a piece in a different way. I LOVE the title, do you mind if I use it? All the best, Jennifer www.mannequinenvy.com | ||
| Lazarus
Advanced Member Username: lazarus Post Number: 1475 Registered: 10-2005 |
Jen, Please do! I found the story very riveting and the little bit you said about it in a later post made me think it was a teachers perspective. Am I right? I left out some of the details of the "lack of family life" that seemed to surround this kid because it is just as likely to happen to kids form great homes. In fact, if I worked on this some more I would make the parent(s) more sympathetic, just someone who is raising a kid that isn't getting it, and how that is what has worn her/them down. The Age of Nations is past. The task before us now, if we would not perish, is to build the earth. - Teilhard de Chardin | ||
| Laurie Byro
Advanced Member Username: lauriette Post Number: 1605 Registered: 11-2003 |
excellent new title and edit in both cases a very disturbing poem laurie | ||
| jennifer vanburen
Valued Member Username: annaswirls Post Number: 111 Registered: 10-2005 |
Stories Teachers Tell God, he was sweet, though not the brightest kid in the special class. Greasy bangs half-covered dull eyes, mouth a little open in perpetual confusion. At parent conference time we met his mother, her purple stretch pants had small hole windows, opened to show pasty flesh that seemed to be waiting for cancer or diabetes to step up and finish the job. She bragged about how her Robby would get into the army, make something of himself. But even before report cards went home freshman year we heard the "name withheld" kid in the Sunday paper was Rob. Dead huffing some can, oven cleaner I think it was. And Crystal his little sister found me in the hallway a few days later, proud, like she had gotten a new puppy. "Hey, remember my brother, Robby? You know he died? Yep. My brother. It was drugs." She whispered the ‘drug’ word and shook her head like the old neighbor who always warned you something like this would happen. The whole time Crystal was thinking, now that she has a real story for the “Just Say No” essay contest, she might even have a chance of winning the limo lunch this year like Brooke Peterson whose father was killed by that drunk driver before she was even born. www.mannequinenvy.com | ||
| Lazarus
Advanced Member Username: lazarus Post Number: 1499 Registered: 10-2005 |
Very smooth Jen. Great revision. Are you happy with the line breaks? Did you want this to line up like prose? If so you can put in all your returns using a word program and use the format: backslash-pre{backslash-font{georgia, backslash-0{ before your text(ignore dashes) and end with }}}. Might consider writing a ku for the ending too, although your end is very poetic already. The Age of Nations is past. The task before us now, if we would not perish, is to build the earth. - Teilhard de Chardin | ||
| Dale McLain
Advanced Member Username: sparklingseas Post Number: 2070 Registered: 11-2004 |
Jennifer~ How'd I miss this? Great work! The details are so fine. Glad I found my way down the page. Excellent! take care~`dale |
